I’ve realized a pattern lately in my life. I’ve been presented with various situations that are testing me to really stand up for what I truly want. I’m one of those persons with an automatic response system that is permanently set on the phrases: ”yes, I’ll do it, no problem!”, “ok!”, “sure!”, or the best one…”whatever you want is fine with me”. Later, when I really give myself a chance to think about the request, I cringe…I realize either I really don’t wanna do it, I don’t really have time to do it, or even worse, I can’t do it. So, I’ve been practicing a few things to get myself outta this crazy pattern.
-Pause before giving an answer – Instead of feeling compelled to automatically reply with gleeful affirmation, I’m practicing taking a deep breath after the request is asked. If I have time to get back with the person with my answer, I then say, “That sounds great, let me think about it and get back with you”. While I am by myself, I take the time to tune in to my heart and I ask myself three questions…1) Do I really want to do this?, 2) Do I really have time to do this?, 3) Does this FEEL good to me? If I can answer all three questions affirmatively, then I agree to the request…otherwise, I politely decline the request. If I don’t have time to really think about it, I find that taking a deep breath and quickly tuning in to how I FEEL about the request is enough to give me an honest answer. Plus, the more you practice this, the easier it will get to really gauge how you feel about a request.
-Find a Win-Win solution - There is always a win-win solution to any problem if you take the time to really look for it. A win-win solution to a problem is one that leaves all parties involved feeling their needs are fulfilled. If you can’t do something, a win-win solution can be as simple as suggesting someone else that can follow through with the request. If you don’t want to do something, but the underlying need is to simply spend time with you, a win-win solution can be as simple as suggesting an alternative activity. To find win-win solutions, sometimes you have to get really creative. It helps, however, to really look at what the underlying need is and finding a way to fulfill that need in a way that feels good to you.
-Be confident in your decision- This one is the hardest for me. I think this one is hard for me, and many others, because deep down inside you just want the other person to be happy. But, one thing I’ve learned over the years is that I deserve to be happy too. In fact, I have to ensure my happiness because I’m the only one who can. When we are confident in our decisions, others respect us more. We teach others how to treat us. If we make ourselves doormats and go-to people, then that’s exactly how we will be treated. Being a people pleaser, to some, seems like the kind thing to do. But, honestly it’s not, because as a people pleaser you do things for the wrong reasons, and it’s not from the heart. Honestly committing to things that you feel good about doing is kinder because your efforts are filled with LOVE. Others know that you did it because you really wanted to and that feels so much better than someone doing something begrudgingly.
This is seemingly easier said than done, because sometimes others will give us a hard time because of their own selfish reasons. But, we have to be confident in our own decisions and give ourselves approval instead of waiting for approval from someone else. It feels weird at first, and honestly sometimes I second, third, and fourth guess myself. But, your heart doesn’t lie, and you have to learn to trust your heart. If in your heart you know this isn’t the right way to go, trust it. The more we practice this, the easier it will get to trust ourselves and feel confident in our decisions.
These are things that have been working for me lately. How do you keep yourself from being on automatic response?
